As promised, here is part three of my series about co-sleeping.
Rather than start with a discussion about the differences in sleeping habits between the two countries I have the most experience with (Japan and U.S.), I thought it would be more interesting to begin with a discussion of one fundamental aspect of the culture which, I believe, influence many things present in the culture, including where and how babies sleep.
Despite the fact that the U.S. and Japan are both industrialized nations, there is a stark difference between the two societies and how they view the individual. In Japan little emphasis is placed on the individual. Rather, the society is based on a group mentality, collectivism, and, as a result, people often sacrifice their own, individual gain for the sake of the group.
Obviously, this is quite different from the United States where the opposite is true. One of the most tightly held values in the U.S. is the value of the individual. In fact, studies show that the U.S. is the most individualistic country of all the countries in the world. I am not sure where Japan falls on the perspective of collectivist nations, but after spending two years here, I can say that the group mentality is strong. Therefore, the U.S. and Japan are at virtual opposite ends of the spectrum which means that any number of things are different simply due to their vastly different ways of thinking.
Take baseball, for instance. It is a game that is loved and played in both countries, Japan and the U.S. The majority of the rules are the same. Yet, the style of play is drastically different. Major league games in Japan have a significantly higher proportion of bunting than games in the U.S. Bunting is used more in Japan because the culture allows for, and encourages, it. In baseball, bunting is the ultimate expression of the nation’s collectivist values. Rather than going for the individual glory, a base hit or a homerun, a player goes to bat, bunts the ball to get their teammate closer to home, and, usually, gets an out for themselves. In the U.S., where individualism is a top priority, this strategy isn’t used nearly as much.
Now, it may seem that I’ve deviated from the original point of this post which was the cultural basis for the different sleeping arrangements in Japan and the U.S., but stick with me. Similar to the way that each country plays baseball differently, because of the underlying cultural differences, each country also has differences in their choices concerning where and how babies sleep.
In Japan, because of their strong collectivist tendencies, the way that they raise children is fundamentally different than the way most people do it in the U.S. The goal in raising children is not to create individuals, rather the goal is to raise people that will fit into the collectivist society by learning how to be good group members. Since the first group that each person belongs to is the family, it is imperative that the collectivist values are taught and learned within that family unit.
Since the goal of parenting, in Japan, isn’t to raise an individual, it isn’t required that babies quickly start to learn to do things on their own, including sleeping. Instead of sleeping on their own, in a separate room, babies most often sleep together with their parents. In fact, of all the industrialized nations, Japan is one of the few where co-sleeping is still widely practiced. By sharing sleep, the Japanese hope to foster the ideals of society within the babies first formal group, the family. They strive to teach the youngster what it means to be interdependent, socially connected, and a member of the group.
This idea of co-sleeping is so entrenched in the society that they have a special phrase for it, “kawa no ji mitai.” Loosely translated, this saying means that when the family is sleeping they look like the kanji character for river.
Image may be NSFW.
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The long line on the left is the father, the medium length line on the right is the mother, and in the center of the family is the small line, the child. There is no time frame for how long this type of sleeping arrangement should continue within the family and in my experience, through talking with good friends and others that I have met in Japan, it varies widely. Most children remain in the same room as their parents until sometime in elementary school. Some leave earlier, others stay longer. In our experiences teaching high school in Japan, both of us have encountered students that still share a sleeping space with their whole family.
What is important to note, however, is that this value system is so engrained in society that parents never consciously decide to pass on those collectivist values to their children through their choice of sleeping arrangement. Rather, the collectivist value system subconsciously influences the childrearing choices that parents make which then, quite unintentionally, sets the next generation up to hold those values as well.
The same is true in the U.S., although the set of values that is entrenched is completely opposite to those in Japan. In the U.S. it is considered a priority to help the child become an individual. This attitude and set of values applies to all people, including the smallest members of society, the babies. As a result, parents tend to want to help their children become independent as soon as they can. Obviously, given the nature of infants and their necessary dependence on the parent, the first major expression of this set of values is to have the baby sleep independently.
Unlike in Japan, babies are often given a separate room and crib in which they are expected to sleep alone. Of course, in most situations, parents come and go through the night to tend to the infants needs, but once the needs are met, they usually return to their own room and bed to continue their own sleeping.
When explaining the Japanese systems to Americans, and vice versa, eyebrows are always raised. In Japan, they think it quite odd that a baby be expected to sleep alone. One of my Japanese friends expressed shock when I told her about the usual American way, “it is almost as if you expect the baby to start behaving like an adult right away.” But the reverse is true, as evidenced by any number of friends and family back home in the U.S. that have expressed shock, concern, and disapproval because of our choice to sleep with our son.
Each country is so used to their own way of doing things that it seems impossible that there might exist another right way. Each society is blinded by their own culture and value system, believing that their way of raising babies is the most natural, the very best. This value system is so engrained in the U.S., in fact, that many have come to believe that co-sleeping is unsafe. That co-sleeping can disrupt the marital relationship. That co-sleeping can create an overly-dependent infant and child. (I will talk about and debunk some of the most common co-sleeping myths in a future post) Given that we spent the vast majority of our lives in the U.S., Aaron and I also held some of these same misgivings about co-sleeping. Were it not for our extended time living in Japan and our opportunity to absorb some of the values present in this society, we may never have questioned the assumptions we held from the U.S. and the way that that impacted our thoughts about babies, childrearing and the role of family.
Living abroad has given us a chance to question our previously held assumptions, about parenting and life, and find a path that works for us and our family. In the case of where and how our baby sleeps, we have found that the Japanese way works well for us. Had we not had this chance to live abroad, to experience a different culture and value system, I’m not sure that we would have chosen to co-sleep. In fact, I think it is likely that we wouldn’t have. But, I’m glad that we do. I’m glad that we have had this chance. And I’m glad that we are on a path leading us towards creating the family that we imagine. A family where we are all dependent on one another for love, support, compassion, encouragement, and enjoyment. I am certainly dependent on my husband, and others, for all of those things and I want that for my babe as well.
References:
Our Babies, Ourselves. Meredith F. Small.
Natural Parenting – Back to Basics in Infant Care. Regine A. Schone. Evolutionary Psychology, 2007.
Parenting Advice About Sleep – Where Have We Been? Where Are We Going? Maccall Gordon & Sherri L. Hill. Paper presented at the Biennial Conference of the Society for Research in Child Development, April 2-5, 2009, Denver, Colorado.